I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Blow job season was short but glorious.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
