I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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