I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
