How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
