I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
