He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
