captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
