FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
