every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
