omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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