Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Randomize
