i think i recognize dicks better than faces
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
