I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Found your dick twin last night
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
