Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
