All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I believe in your delicious
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
