I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I am never drinking with the goths again.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
