For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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