All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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