ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
