he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
