maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
After tacos, we're chasing women.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
