Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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