Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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