I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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