one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
