Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
