I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
