is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
