My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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