totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize