Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize