My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
