i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My penis needs a shock collar
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
