Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
you had me at cake vodka
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
