is your mom at the bar?
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
