Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Randomize
