you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
