I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
