You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
