I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
