i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
