So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
