My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Drake has all the answers
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
