Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Randomize
