I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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