Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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