I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
My liver just had a heart attack.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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