i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
