so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
