Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
