I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
