So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
