an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
