I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
