so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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