Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
